Finding yourself in the dark before the dawn

new mantra

                                                     live wtihout pretending,

                                                    love without depending,

                                                    listen without defending,

                                                   speak without offending.

Case of the Mondays on Tuesday.

Today I’m not feeing very motivated at all. This is my last week of being purely freelance… I’ve spent a lot of days over the past two years so unmotivated that I sometimes don’t even shower. I’ll look at myself in the mirror and think ‘ew, you are so pale and mangy looking- get off your ass’… only to find myself back in bed twenty minutes later with my laptop. Yep, the life of a freelance designer is not meant for me.

So I did something radical and got a job. Okay, not that radical, but far beyond my recent comfort zone. I need to be around people- I’m a people person. I love to talk, recommend things, learn things, teach things, try things… being isolated in my house 24/7 has not allowed me to do a lot of these things. So I got a job around the corner at a new restaurant. Okay, you’re probably thinking ‘bid deal’, but for me it is. I love the food industry and have always been very knowledgeable and fascinated by culinary creations and the business side of running a restaurant. Because this is a brand new establishment (yet to open) I figure it’s a good place to start and learn. There will be natural hiccups with opening new spot, so I figure my hiccups will be part of the bigger picture. If that makes sense.

So here’s what I’m hoping- in no particular order:

1. I start feeling more motivated to use my spare time in a meaningful way. Whether that be yoga, biking, painting, seeing friends or walking the dog (I don’t even have a dog, but you get the point).

2. Develop a more passionate group of new friends. Most of my friends I have here since moving back home are people that haven’t changed much since highschool. I hated highschool. I don’t want to think about highschool.

3. LEARN. new skills- I have a dream to someday own my own art bar sort of thing. A classy place for classy folk to have a classy cocktail and purchase some rad art. But in order to do that I need to learn a lot about the business. 

4. Have my old confidence back. Working from home can really draw you into your shell. Being a Cancer, I’m already notorious for doing that. 

5. Make money. Extra money to get me out of my giant debt school left me with. It sucks. It cripples me. I need it gone. I want to be able to afford my own place. 

So I’ll start with those and add to them as I go. See where this new path takes me and the people I meet along the way. I don’t doubt that this was meant to happen at this point. I’m asking for change. 

if only for a fleeting moment, i miss you

if only for a fleeting moment, i miss you

(via hearthaunted)



I yearned to be the drenching rain
that clings to the surface of your skin
intimate with the breathless air:
she is swallowed in between.

I longed to keep your muggy clothes
enveloped by my watery arms
that ebb and flow, their love is cold
protecting you from summer harms.

I asked to fall within your eyes
and be privy to their tears alone
and seep into your irises
to wash the salts you thought your own.

This Friday. I’m going to drink gin, I’m going to taste the city, I’m going to misbehave and love the fuck out it.

This Friday. I’m going to drink gin, I’m going to taste the city, I’m going to misbehave and love the fuck out it.